My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
