Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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