apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
