happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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