This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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