i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
