He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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