i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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