So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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