If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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