I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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