You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
