she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
