had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
