I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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