I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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