you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
