I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
