I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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