Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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