look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
