on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
