And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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