tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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