Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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