Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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