He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
