What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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