The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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