I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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