i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize