I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
