apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
