You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
