tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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