woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
