home. puking in laundry basket.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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