I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?