my phone needs a breathalizer
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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