what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize