I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
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I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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