Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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