I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
