did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
