Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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