You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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