Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You left your phone here
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