He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
