Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
