I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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