I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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