Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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