Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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