Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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