I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My first STD was from a foam party
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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