I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
