Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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