I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
